I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Do vagina's smell?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
