I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
