New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
