I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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