I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
