Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
