remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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