all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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