I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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