Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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