get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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