Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You're breaking my sexual little heart
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
