Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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