Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
