Screwed.edu
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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