I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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