I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
