So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
