i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
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