I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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