I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
it's not cheating when I paid for it
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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