Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
