Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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