Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
