Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
