when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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