He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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