don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
