you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
