it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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