I puked a lego.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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