i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
