I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
