all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
