I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I fill condoms, not promises.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
