you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Randomize
