I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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