Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
