You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
