Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
