I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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