your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
