there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Someone came in the potted fern
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
