im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
