Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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