Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
