shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
