Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
