I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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