All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Randomize
