I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
