so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
