You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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