I got chris browned last night
I just pynch a tree in the face
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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