So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
